Nissalaneous Thoughts

Be Fierce

2011-10-22T09:45:00.000-07:00

I really like the idea of feeling fierce. The word fierce connotes power and fun to me. I like power and fun....

I decided to make a list of ways in which to become fierce, or to exercise your fierceness.

This list is strongly colored by my feminine identity...I am somewhere on the spectrum between Gretchen Wilson and Reese Witherspoon as far as American women go. Being southern, part redneck, part scholar, and all girl....

1. Learn how to do at least one traditionally masculine activity. I can shoot a gun.

2. Have at LEAST one amazing outfit that suits you perfectly and fits into your station in life. I buy mine at Goodwill, or on deep discount.

3. Learn how to do your hair and makeup in a way that makes you feel beautiful and strong. Almost all of us will have need of some armor now and again...

4. Get fit. Muscles are fierce.

5. Memorize some inspirational quotes from scripture...ones that comfort AND challenge you. Reflect on them daily.

6. Learn something new. Do this especially if your world has just fallen apart. Pat and Hannah started teaching me to throw a pot on the wheel yesterday and I am finally, slowly learning the guitar. It feels good.

7. Face your demons. They are scary as hell, but face them anyway. Stay in the arena and keep trying to overcome them. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent. Its a battle so visualize yourseslf like Joan of Arc....minus the bad ending.

8. Speak your truth...even if you feel silly or foolish. Get over the feeling.

9. Keep a great tube of lipstick on hand, even if you don't wear it all the time. Put it on when you need a little extra boost.

10. Remember all the fierce women before you. For me it is my grandma A that comes to mind first. She is still super fierce. Follow their example.

8.

Awakening

2011-07-24T05:52:00.000-07:00

Born again. Resurrection. Rebirth. Awakening. We give so many names to the same things. We overuse the terms and they lose their meaning. The metaphysical concepts they represent are difficult to grasp in the best circumstances. There are few things more important to consider than the state of our souls. We need these terms and slippery concepts as we attempt to reach beyond our grasp for a touch of the divine.

In my own evolving spiritual journey I have often been distorted by unimportant things. It is rather easy to lose sight of the essential. In the words of St. Exupery "L'essentiel ne se voit pas avec les yeux." If only we were blind to the material things of this world, perhaps we would not be so blind to that which is invisible.

Truly, our relationship with God is a personal one. It is necessary to have a personal "walk". Our journey, our path is solitary and there are places we go spiritually that are known to no-one but ourselves. Conversely, we come together in religious community to celebrate and practice our faith. Love can not be fully lived if you are alone. Clearly it is intended for us to live lives of Love...and to do so in a community.

It is convenient to dismiss faith out of hand, or to allow the trite and overused vocabulary of religion to turn us off to the realities or possibilities described. But life can be a prayer and every moment can be worship.... Your journey can be full of meaning and joy. We only have control over how we respond to the world around us, not over the world itself. Don't let fear,lethargy, or distration keep you from pursuing a walk with God, in whatever form that takes.

27 He answered, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’[a]; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’[b]”

Heartfelt Thanks!

2010-09-09T05:36:00.000-07:00

Dear Friends Who Aren't Having Kids-

I just wanted to take a moment to thank all the childless people in my life who love my kids. Some of you are blood-related Aunts and Uncles and others are second-cousins or dear friends. I often comment on now more wealthy and educated people should have kids- I certainly know a lot of wonderful people whose genes should not end with them!! That being said, I don't regret a bit that my children benefit from your generosity of time and resources. You have made life a safer and more wonderful place for my kids and for me and my husband through your giving. Your values will be carried on by the children you have influenced. They will remember your kindness, love, and generosity. No-one should diminish the contribution you have made to society by virtue of being part of the "village" that raises our kids. We could probably do it without you, but we wouldn't do it half so well. Thanks for helping us through hard times, and laughing with us in the good ones. Thanks for loving our kids. We love you!

Far Away Friends

2010-09-06T17:45:00.000-07:00

I'm lucky in that I from time to time have very vivid dreams. Usually, they are not of the people I see on a daily basis, nor are they of movie stars or strangers... they are of loved ones far away... It's hard to wake up from one of these dreams, to feel as though I have said yet another abrupt good-bye. However, it is also a pleasant sensation. I am lucky to walk and talk- to spend time with those I love, though we might be separated by miles or by the blind horizon that separates life from death and the journey to the world beyond. I had a dream like that two nights ago- and I couldn't quite shake the memory all day long.

I often wonder if it isn't some sort of psychic connection, since the dreams come at odd intervals and at unexpected times. Is it possible that love binds and connects us through time and space... or merely across the miles? It must be so- God's word tells us "Faith, hope, love.. these three abide, but the greatest of these is Love". I have heard it said that after we die, we no longer need Faith or Hope... we see clearly then, face to fact. But we still have love. Love endures.

As painful as it can be at times, I hope that it is a deeper, spiritual connection that leads to these dreams. It is a further confirmation that, in life or in death, our links remain between us and I will indeed see you again. I don't ask for the dreams, or pray for them... I have at times wished I would not dream like that again- to avoid the inevitable let-down after the euphoric reunion. Yet, they still come. It doesn't seem to matter whether I want them to or not.

In the end, I can't read too much into the dreams. I think that, at a minimum, they come from the most loving part of my heart and express the longing to see my loved ones again. My brain creates the time and space that I can't find in any other way, and gives me a moment to spend with them.

On Parenting, Marriage, Joy, and Ayn Rand

2010-07-25T18:16:00.000-07:00

Parents have a sacred contract with their children. The contract is lived out in a million different ways- different on a daily basis throughout the life of a family and different for every family as well. For me, this sacred commitment is about making your child or children the best person you can make them, providing them with the most fair and loving upbringing you can, and endowing them with every life-skill and opportunity within your own grasp. It doesn't require that you make them happy or provide every toy money can buy, or even for you to be perfectly compatible with them. Perhaps, if you are lucky, you and your children have compatible needs and abilities. If so, you are able to fulfill their needs to a great degree and create a good environment for their upbringing. It helps to have knowledge about how kids develop, some parents or grandparents to give you perspective, and a healthy dose of common sense. (It doesn't hurt to have an appreciation for absurd situations and an ability to laugh at oneself.)

Being human is hard enough by itself; parenting a small human is taking it to another level entirely. We are broken, selfish creatures in many ways. I can speak for myself here- I muddle through my somewhat messy life with good intentions. I have varied levels of success in my endeavors and I struggle with my weaknesses and brokeness. I try to be honest with my kids about my failings as a human, and help them to do the same.

I was considering recently how much parents mean to their kids, and how important it is to build a solid life for your children. For me, it's about priorities. Another job might make you or me happy. Another town might suit better. Another lover might make us feel young again. But in the end, where does all that get you? And how many lives would we sacrifice if we didn't put spouse and family first. Some happiness might be mine, but would joy follow?

We were discussing Ayn Rand the other day, and the idea that selfishness is good. She takes this to its logical, but absurd conclusion- and thinks that we should all just live for ourselves. I can tell you that for me, this is a lie. It is the antithesis of the kind of life that brings me joy. My selfishness and pride have only brought me pain. My moments of sacrifice have brought me true joy. There are many types of sacrifice I have experienced- the quiet moment when I could have said a hurtful think (and really, really wanted to) but didn't, the forgiveness I gave when I wanted to resort to hate, the sleepless nights up with my kids, the times I took up the slack at home (not my forte or "dream job") to support my husband in his job, precious moments during the dark watches of the night when I gave morphine to Grandma during the last 48 hours of her life.... some of these things were not fun. Some were gut-wrenching work. They have all brought me the most profound satisfaction, joy, and fulfillment.

I am the only mother my children will ever have. They could have a lot of other women relatives in their lives, but only I will ever be or have been their mother. Their father is also unique in their lives- regardless of what the future holds. We have in our hands the ability to create something lasting and precious for them. No-one else can do it the way that we can, no-one else can be to them what we can be. We have a large and loving family to provide a wealth of love and support. If we were gone, they would have a rich and loving family life- but that does not change our role in their lives.

My life has both joy and happiness in it, but it isn't perfect. My husband and I have disappointed each other from time to time, frustrated each other, and made each other want to run away. Like everyone, we have to work through tough times and remember to enjoy the good ones. I was thinking about Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward and about other couples, famous and not, who have made it for a long haul- and who seem to have an extraordinary relationship with one another. I know that many of those relationships were marked with grief, loss, and betrayal- sometimes almost insurmountable odds. What got them through it? As far as I can tell it was the ability to remind themselves not to take things for granted. It is a choice they make on a daily basis. They choose to focus on what they like and respect in each other, to prioritize so that they can continue to create a life together, and to find a balance between not taking too much crap and being able to forgive.

I miss my friend

2010-05-31T04:37:00.000-07:00

I miss my friend. My friend is gone, I can't talk to or speak with my friend anymore. It is an ache that never quite goes away, punctuated by moments of elation when I remember how blessed I have been to share part of our lives together. Thank you God, for the gift of love we share.

I can't help but wonder sometimes what my friend would have thought about this event, or that joke.. how we would have laughed together and what adventures we might still have had in life if things had gone differently. I have accepted the current state of things, and mostly it is not too uncomfortable to move forward. I still believe in making the most of every moment, because I am still here and I have many things to enjoy. Today is all I have, even if my friend is not in it with me.

My friend will live on in my heart, frozen in time. How I feel about my friend will never change- it has not changed in all these years gone by and I know my feelings will endure, unchanged, until I leave this world. I believe we will see each other again and talk about everything under heaven. Sometimes, even now, in my dreams my friend is there and we talk and laugh together. I wonder if that is a memory or a promise of things to come?

Harry R. Harne, Jr.

2010-04-11T07:39:00.001-07:00

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That's So Gay!

2010-03-13T05:43:00.001-08:00

I'm tired of hearing my kids referring to anything bad, silly, stupid, or idiotic as being "gay". I also don't want to hear them use the word "fag" or "faggot" anymore and try to tell me that it means a cigarette or bundle of wood. It's all rude. It's not nice. I don't care what your personal opinions are about homosexuality, there is no excuse for being mean, insulting, or discriminatory. The same holds true for people who insult Jesus- or me... for believing in him, or Catholics for believing in the real presence in the Eucharist... or people who think 30 Rock is funny.....

JESUS WASN'T MEAN TO ANYONE EVEN WHEN HE TOLD THEM THEY WERE WRONG.

There's so much controversy about Gay marriage and about this Lesbian prom issue...... I agree with my Libertarian husband that our government should stay out of people's personal lives and I think that it's silly to cancel a prom because someone wants to go with their girlfriend. I would have gone with a friend of mine if we hadn't had dates... (and she would have worn a tux) but I had a boyfriend to wear the tux instead.... of course, it wouldn't have had the same meaning for me.... but now I kind of wish we had done it, just to be contrary.

After witnessing the immoral behavior of so many married heterosexual people, I think we do plenty to demean the institution ourselves.

The Second Half

2010-03-04T16:57:00.000-08:00

Reaching mid-life is a strange thing. My awareness of the passage of time is so keen now, it frightens me sometimes. I look back and forward... and my place in the world is clearer to me know than in the past. My mistakes burn brightly and yet, I have more perspective on them. I see the times that I was hurt and feel only compassion for those who hurt me- knowing that their actions were part of their path, and their becoming. They were also part of mine...

I know that I am supposed to feel like I would not change anything, but sometimes I would ... if I could. It is fortunate that God controls these things and not me. I saw a quote today that really hit home for me...

"How you respond to the challenge in the second half will determine what you become after the game, whether you are a winner or a loser." Lou Holtz

I am now, or soon, entering the second half of my life... and what I do now will determine whether I am a winner or loser, more so than in the first half.

A friend of mine has a theory, based on stories in the Bible.. about the number 40... and your fortieth year, being an important year, an important number... a time to reflect, to gather wisdom, and to move into a new phase of life.

I am laughing to myself because I'm not sure I really like all that.... but I don't have so much of a choice now, do I? My mom once told me that when going through something really unpleasant and hard, sometimes all you have is the knowledge that you will be able to look back and say that you handled it the best that you could. I am aiming for that myself, as I move into this new phase- to handle it the best I can.

Sunday School

2010-02-27T14:09:00.000-08:00

We are teaching some "family life" or "sex ed" related things in our Sunday School right now. Parents are expected to do the "heavy hitting" at home, and we add the context in church. It's an interesting turn of events to be teaching this for church. I really, really think it's a great idea. Drew was so funny reading what I gave him on the mechanics of sex... he read very intently and kept making little comments, such as "this is so true, but so disturbing". Anyway, the last two weeks in particular have given me great room for thought...

Some information and reflections:

"Virginal and married love are the two forms in which the person's call to love is fulfilled. In order for both to develop, they require the commitment to live in chastity, in conformity with one's own state in life... Insofar as it entails sincere self-giving, it is obvious that growth in love is helped by that discipline of the feelings, passions, and emotions which leads us to self-mastery. One cannot give what one does not possess... Chastity is the spiritual power which frees love from selfishness and agression". (The Truth and Meaning of Human Sexuality, #16)

In what ways do my different relationships call me to be courageous?

So, I am going to talk about vocations tomorrow morning. Vocations are callings from God to live lovingly in a certain way of life. We are called to live God's love in our everyday It'lives through single life, marriage, religious life, and the ordained ministry.

I have a room of 30 4th graders. It is hard to imagine now all that they will see, know, learn, experience..... want them to know God's grace and love and not so much to fear his judgement as to reach for the good because God calls them to it... to treat themselves, their bodies, and others with respect because it is the right thing to do... not to let the hormone fog prevent them from seeing that other people are not merely a means to an end... not merely the means to gain satisfaction of desire. Most of our Church's teachings on sexuality relate to that point.

There are a lot of hard topics in this arena- topics on which I am not resolved. However, on this point I absolutely agree- we must not use other people as a means to an end, we should discipline our passions. I don't mean repression here, although it may be a fine line... but a healthy ability to deny an appetite when the process of satisfying it might be unhealthy for you or someone else in the long run. This is true of many things in life, not only sex.

Faithful Lord, you call me to new paths and into new ways of living. Give me the wisdom and the courage to go where you ask and to remain faithful to your word. Amen.

Conscience and Commandments

2010-02-21T10:53:00.001-08:00

"In order to present the commandments as God's gift... expressing the Covenant with him, confirmed by Jesus' own example, it is very important for the adolescent not to seperate the commandments from their relationship with a rich interior life, free from selfishness." (Familiaris Consoritio, 28; cf. also Caudium et Spes, 50)

There is a tendancy to think rules hold us back. We don't like being told what not to do. If we view the commandments as a path, a way to greater knowledge and understanding... then they can be useful to us, and liberating. In the same light, mistakes can also be enlightening. God's grace and our access to reconciliation with him through his son enable us to make the best of our mistakes and become better through them. This amelioration occurs when we do have a "rich interior life" and when we analyze and learn from our actions throught the prism of our commandments or our path.

"As its departure point, the formation of conscience requires being enlightened about: God's project of love for every single person, the positive and liberating values of the moral law, and awareness both of the weakness caused by sin and the means of grace which strengthen us on our path towards the good and towards salvation" (The Truth and Meaning of Human Sexuality, #94-95).

Many of us see sin as a manifestation of, not a cause of, weakness. When we sin we become weak. When we take advantage of God's grace, we become strong. We will all sin, we will all fall short- God has provided us the means to get back up and try again.

Things I Want to Change

2010-02-16T04:54:00.000-08:00

It's time for Lent. Lent is a time to discipline yourself, a time to grow and change.

Sometimes I get caught up in things that don't really matter. Sometimes I can let a lot of time pass on meaningless or unproductive activity. There are some things I want to change about how I go about my day. I have been very slack lately about my time meditating, reading, and praying... relegating my spiritual pursuits to the moments before I fall asleep at night or my drive to and from work. It sounds awefully American of me, but I do have spiritual goals... I want to make forward progress.

Participating in the process of Grandma's illness and passing provided a natural growth and time for reflection. Before that, there were numerous events that were quite overwhelming in my life. I did actually maintain a lot of spiritual practice during most of that time- prayer, reading, meditation. Our family is going through another process- this one of my father-in-law healing from his devastating heart attack in December. It is a spiritually challenging situation.

So, I am going to make it my goal during Lent to be spiritually, mentally, and physically disciplined. I am going to exercise, meditate, read, and pray daily. I hope at the end of 40 days it is a habit again and I will be able to maintain it on a permanent basis. The physical movement is important to the spiritual part- I think somehow incorporating yoga and physical discipline with the spiritual aspect will really help me be healthier and more well-rounded.

I'm sure I will probably fall of the wagon a couple of times and not maintain my practice as I hope- but I will try to document that here. As my yoga instructor says "We are all going to fall in life. Fall with awareness and without judgement." If and when I fall, I just have to get right back up and try again.

The Week of Prayer for Christian Unity.

2010-01-24T18:29:00.000-08:00

Almost Catholic by Jon Sweeney, I love this book so far. I love the way Mr. Sweeney writes. Here's another great passage:

"Being Christian is not the same thing as being churchy or even religious. There are different layers to it, and some speak for our intentions while others merely eclare who we are, whether we intend it to or not. The outer laye is to affirm the beliefs of the church and to honor, love and remember Christ in practice, liturgy, and worship. Many of us do that intentionally and visibly on a regular basis. " page 7.

Sweeney goes on to discuss how this "outer layer" was profound for him in his experience with Catholicism and how, for some others, it may not mean very much. My experiences at Mass during my youth were not meaningful. Frankly, I had no clue what the meaning was supposed to be, I didn't understand the Eucharist as Catholics did, and my sole reason for going to church was to hear the scriptures opened for us. Catholics go for scripture, but also for the encounter with the living Christ we believe occurs in the Eucharist.

Sweeney continues, " But there is much more below that surface. The next layer down is where we encounter Christ. This is not about creeds. Creeds are ultimately unsatisfying to both believers and detractors because we do not encounter the Holy One in a creed. The way we believe or don't believe is entirely different from faith. When Hebrews says that faith is "evidence of things not seen," it doesn't say that faith is believing in evidence of things not seen. Faith itself is the evidence. Belief and assent are something else, but faith is borne in us."

Wow, this is one way of describing what I have tried to explain to many people- that my encounter with the Divine is much more, deeper, and closer than it was before. I meet Christ there at Mass.

One more quote from Sweeney (this book is great, you should pick up a copy)... "To be Christian is to share in the mystery of beign known by the person of Jesus who is loving us. And we do this in various ways and places- whether we know it or not. The problem is that many of us have been conditioned ot discount, discredit, and deny this mystery in us. Catholic spirituality is all about responding to these mysteries- even though religious leaders have often said that being Catholicis prmarily about that outer crust of religious observance, confusing the matter further."

In protesting all that was legitimately wrong with the Church, early Protestants sometimes threw out what was good, right, and beautiful with the Church. (My statement there, not Sweeney's.)

When I was in college, I read what Buddhists and Hindu's believe about themselves. I read what Jews and Muslims believe about themselves. I wish more people understood what Catholics believe about themselves.

I, like Sweeney, am not interesting in converting someone based on all the "bells and smells" of my faith. I'm not really interested in converting anyone at all... unless they would be comforted, helped, or feel closer to Christ through such a process, as I do. I am interested in sharing my understanding of what is true, wonderful, special, and rich in Catholicism so that there may be more unity among us Christians. This week is the week of prayer for Christian Unity, so I share this in that spirit.

January 17, 2009- Mass Reflections

2010-01-17T12:33:00.000-08:00

Deacon Larry gave the homily today. It was something special. . You can find the readings for today here: http://www.ewtn.com/Devotionals/inspiration.htm#17.

Larry spoke about what we are supposed to do in the face of tragedy- national, personal, communal... What are we supposed to do with it? He referenced the recent statement by Pat Robertson about the "pact with the devil" that Haitians supposedly made centuries ago. Robertson is looking at this all wrong. One example of how wrong comes from scripture. We were reminded that in the Bible, Jesus consistently refuses to lay blame in the midst of tragedy. He refuses- instead he uses tragedy to reveal the glory of God.

A point for reflection: The role of religion is not to tell us what to see and what to believe, but HOW to see and HOW to believe.

All gifts of the Spirit are equal and are given in order to glorify God. We are not to use our gifts to magnify our own importance, but rather to glorify God. God has chosen us, and our gifts for a reason- put us in THIS time and place in order for us to make a difference in the world around us and to take the opportunity to glorify Him in a time of tragedy- not through our words or parables, but through our actions.

We might ask "How is this my concern?" When Mary told Jesus about the wine at the wedding at Cana, that was his question to her. She tells the men at the wedding to do "whatever he tells them". She might ask us "Why not now? Why not you?".

Thanks, Poppy

2010-01-07T17:31:00.001-08:00

Harry Harne is my father-in-law. Actually, I have two fathers-in-law, but that's another story. Harry is my father-in-law... he is a good man, a funny man, and an honest man. I miss him right now because he is in ICU recovering from a Sudden Cardiac Arrest and he can't communicate much. I don't see him all the time, but he's one of those people in your life you expect will be there with a smile, a (sometimes off-color) joke, and a hug... and maybe some chocolate covered cherries or ice cream.

One day Harry gave me a great gift. I don't think he meant it to be a gift to me, but it was. He was still mourning the death of his mother. He was with her when she died and she had this beautiful smile on her face.... I can't remember all the details from the experience, but it meant a lot to him. (I hope he had a NDE when he had the Cardiac Arrest because he's been mildly fascinated with them since that time.) It made him consider as "real" some things he might not have considered before. Anyway, my sister-in-law and I were sitting with him on the porch at Nanny's house and he asked us "What do you believe? Not your religion... what do you really believe?". What a question! So often I think back to it and ask myself again, the same thing.

I don't think anyone ever asked me that before... and I knew what he meant... behind any doubts, or intellect... what do I believe is true, universally true. It was a gift to me, because it made me think about how much of my faith is put on, or how much is really me and what I think about things. I went back, in that moment, to the experiences I had with a friend who had died, and how I know he was there after he had left his body. I can't prove it to anyone else, but I know it to be true. I had many other experiences prior to his death, and since, that relate to my Christian beliefs and my pursuit of God (and more importantly, his pursuit of me).

I believe in love and most important, most central, and most critical of all Christ's teachings. I believe in charity, in kindness, in forgiveness, and in sacrifice. I have done my share of hypocritical and bad things. I have suffered depression that my faith alone could not cure or dampen. I have struggled for long periods of time- wandering in the desert, begging God to abandon me and leave me at peace. I never stopped believing God was there, I just felt like he really didn't care how much I (or anyone else) suffered. (Thank God he doesn't listen to my crap, but rather puts up with it.) I have been angry at God, and he has taken it and brought me peace. I might enter those dark days again, but I know he will walk with me every step of the way- calling my name. I think he is there with everyone.

I think St. Francis of Assisi should be, after Christ, the example of the ideal Christian life- not seeking after wealth, or fame, or the things of this world. I get distracted sometimes, mostly by clothes from Ann Taylor loft, but really- give me the brown robe!!! You know, he gave everything away- no questions asked, He did this without regard to personal merit, race, color, religion, sexual orientation, or national origin. Franciscan monks still do that- give to everyone- because they believe that is what Christ did for us, without concern for our merit or any other factor. We should be focused on loving and alleviating suffering. God bless the whole world, no exceptions.

I know that at Mass, time stops- I enter eternity, and Christ is there. He is there in the moment of his sacrifice, knowing everything any of us would ever do- to open his arms and give himself for us. With all those Christians before and since I utter the words of the "Our Father" and again, I enter a timeless place where we enter into communion with one another. When I die, I know I will see him - although it seems to great a thing to even to hope- and that my loved ones will greet me there. Here is a quote from Teresa of Avila. (Other than these things, Poppy, I'm still trying to sort it out. Thanks for asking.)

"Christ has no body now on earth but yours,
no hands but yours,
no feet but yours,
Yours are the eyes through which to look out
Christ's compassion to the world
Yours are the feet with which he is to go about
doing good;
Yours are the hands with which he is to bless men now."
— Teresa of Ávila

What Really Matters

2009-12-23T12:37:00.000-08:00

At Christmas we can easily get distracted by materialism or by our sadness at the losses and hurts of life. We can focus too much on what we do or don't have. We can forget about the real meaning of Christmas- of love, and forgiveness, and sacrifice.

Yesterday seems like a million years ago. Yesterday we went to visit Duff's mom and step-dad after an afternoon sledding party with friends. We had been there about an hour when Duff's step-dad suddenly collapsed on his way out the door. He was non-responsive and we had to do CPR until the ambulance arrived. I counted with the 911 operator while Duff and his mom did the hard work. It would have been scary regardless, but having just been through Grandma's death, it was even more difficult. Harry looked terrible and his breathing was loud and weird. It kept reminding me of her death. I kept thinking (between counting and praying) that it was just too soon to do this again- especially for Pat. The few minutes from when Harry collapsed until the paramedics arrived seemed like an eternity.

The paramedics took over and they did CPR all the way to the hospital. After arriving at FMH they almost lost him twice (Actually, the did lose him and he fought his way back.) Hours later, the doctors and nurses were predicting the worst and expecting very little. The prognosis was very, very dire and we were disheartened.

Father Mike came and anointed Harry in what is sometimes called "last rites" but is actually the "anointing of the sick". Twice he did this for Grandma and brought her back from the brink. The Holy Spirit is strong with this man and when Grandma was really ready to go we jokingly told him to stay away so she could pass on .... and sure enough Harry started to improve after his visit and during the night began to take over his own breathing. By the time we arrived this morning he was responding verbally and physically to questions and trying to talk to all of us- displaying his usual fiestiness in the process.

I was so dismayed last night at the prospect of a very dim Christmas. Now, I am full of joy. I know we will all die someday. The difficult and sad parting of ways is inevitable. I know that Poppy has a hard road ahead in recovering and no-one knows how that will go. No-one is promised any certain number of days. For however long it lasts, I am happy Poppy is back with us.

Today, I am in the moment. I am thankful to have peace and forgiveness, love and compassion for and from the people around me. I will cherish each hug, kiss, and smile. I will not worry about the gifts I don't get or can't afford to buy. I have the greatest gifts of all- my family, friends, and faith. In the face of such potential loss things become just a little clearer and it's easier to remember what really matters.

Advent

2009-12-07T18:58:00.001-08:00

Advent is a season of waiting. We wait in hope. We wait on joy. We wait.. "Come desire of nations come, and fix in us thy humble home". Waiting is difficult- knowing something is coming, but that we can not hasten its arrival. At times, we have a season of darkness and suffering- and we wait for it to end. I have a lot of friends having a really, really rough year. Ours hasn't been so easy, either. I will welcome the New Year this year- a symbol of a fresh start.

Having just walked through the "valley of the shadow" with Grandma- with her family, and having seen her off, I have a different perspective than usual on things. It was a precious and wonderful time- a privilege to bear witness to her life and her passing. Life is short, we have to make the best of it.

She loved to decorate for Christmas and listen to the music and sounds of the season. I miss sharing that with her this year. Where she lives, the season of Advent is over, and it is eternally Christmas, eternally Easter Sunday.

For Christmas this year, I wish for myself and for all my friends that we might have the strength to make it through Advent with some sense of joy and the trust and faith that the difficult season will pass and a new day will dawn.

Wow Moments

2009-06-28T17:33:00.000-07:00

Wow, the Honduran president was ousted today in a military coup d'etat. Am I glad not to be there? In a way, I am less frightened for my children- certainly. However, my heart goes out and longs to help those who must be frightened for their own children. I don't know enough about the ousted President to say one way or the other on his character, but I know it doesn't bode well when a nation's legal processes are ignored. It is especially troubling that the miliary was involved. God bless the people of Honduras, I hope that justice prevails...We are so blessed that our country enjoys so many years of freedom, of peace on our own land, of prosperity (even in the current financial crisis). Children are born into terrible situations in our own land and abroad- through no fault of their own, and adults are thrust into situations they can not control. Let us all be merciful to others, since we do not know what battles they are fighting.

Today before Mass I was feeling really low- just tired and weary from all the things I should do, must do, need to do.... and from a struggle that doesn't seem to end. I didn't really want to go to Mass, on some level I have been feeling very disgruntled with God and I didn't feel like going. However, as I have so many times before, I felt called to go- like the Force was telling me to do it (a la Star Wars). Other faiths may call it other things, but the power of the Holy Spirit is as real and vibrant as the light of the sun.

Deacon Larry let fly with an amazing homily. He could have written that message just for me, to be sure. I shouldn't have been surprised that the Lord had something special to say to me at Mass today, as compelled as I felt to go. This pattern has happened to me at Church all my life- First Presbyterian in PTC, Bush Creek in Monrovia, and now St. Ignatius in Ijamsville. Evidently Jesus is an equal opportunity Savior- he doesn't seem to care which denomination I am going to, he recognizes his wayward daughter and calls her home. I am so ashamed at how often I run the other way or just get distracted and start navel-gazing. (Yes, if you look at the flock I'm the distracted sheep with the good intentions.)

Anyway, so I go into church feeling lowly and ill at ease, and I slide in 1o minutes late, which doesn't add to my sense of peace. I did something I haven't done in many years, I brought a notebook with me and between prayers I took notes on the sermon, the scriptures, my thoughts and reactions. I cried a lot too, realizing that my Savior still calls to me. Will I ever get tired of learning this lesson?

I took three pages of notes and reactions to the homily, and I thought I'd share a bit of that here....

It would have been easier to make the big sacrifice of going to HOnduras than to linger on giving a little each day- a continuing struggle against the smaller temptations.

God's love. Even when we fail or make the wrong choice it is still there. St. Paul tells us in the second book of Corinthians that Jesus was rich but chose to become poor. He became poor so we could become rich in God's love. In becoming one of us by entering into death, he showed us how to be human. Al we are asked to do is to choose God and live. If we want no struggle, then we don't want to exist. We think life is about everything but sadness. This is not the case.

In today's scriptures we read about Jesus healing people because of their faith- he wants to draw attention to their enduring faith- the woman that was healed touching his robe, the father whose daughter is brought back to life. Again we see Jesus confronting death and illness- he want to expoe the miracle of their faith, he wants to show their faith off. Why are we told these stories? Proof that Jesus is God? The woman and girl in the stories have no name. That is a literary device to bring us into the story. The story is about faith, about us. Wht is it we need? Life liberation? Crushing doubt is what we face when we encounter chronic illness, the loss of a job, financial difficulties... These stories are about who we are and what we are created for.....

Bringing Jesus to others frees us. Deacon Larry quoted one of my favorite mystics, Theresa of Avila...

Christ has no body now on earth but yours,
no hands but yours,
no feet but yours,
yours are the eyes through which Christ's compassion
is to look out to the earth,
yours are the feet by which He is to go about doing good
and yours are the hands by which He is to bless us now.
St Teresa of Avila

Deinded us that God is willing to take a chance on us. He loves us and takes a risk on us, allowing us free will. We choose faith or despair.

Anyway, I haven't digested it all yet, but it was exactly what I needed to hear. For whatever reason, in spite of all my blessings I am prone to despair at times. Today I choose faith.

Childrearing- Our job is not to make them happy.

2009-05-15T16:27:00.000-07:00

Today I was reflecting on my 9 1/2 years of childrearing and my (yikes) 20 years of working with kids. I remember this breakthrough moment with my son. He was about 5 and something I was not letting him do was making him unhappy. He was crying and yelling at me. He said "I'm not happy. You aren't making me happy". I have to say I was probably a little cruel, but it made me laugh... I responded "No, that is not my job." He retorted, "Yes it is." I said (a little more forcefully) "No, that is NOT my job. My job is to keep you safe, love you, and make you the best person I can. My job is NOT to make you happy." Needless to say, he cried a bit more after that- and there have been times when we have had the conversation again- but never with the same intensity.

I want my children to have real joy in life as they grow older. I know they will make mistakes, break hearts and have theirs broken- do things that disappoint and worry me. I certainly did the same as I grew up- and still do sometimes. Real joy comes from building a life around things that last- your faith and the people you love. The road can be difficult and confusing and there are times when you have to suffer to get to the good stuff. Perserverance can not be learned if your parents are going around smoothing out all the rough edges for you. The small sufferings of childhood prepare us for the larger ones we experience as teenagers and adults. We can help our children find real joy by being an example- by finding our joy in every moment and "living in the now". We can demonstrate our Faith- and walk the walk. We can ask for forgiveness when we fail and we can show them what it means to get back up when we fall.

So, every time I do what's right for my kids instead of what makes them happy, I try to keep it all in perspective. Even though it's not my job, I do want to make them happy. It's just not always the right thing to do. I guess I need to remember that the next time I'm arguing with God- He's our Father and it's not his job to make us happy.Tough love.

Elizabeth Edwards

2009-05-13T14:12:00.000-07:00

Responding to the recent NPR story:

No-one owes us anything. We, the public, comment on the marketplace with our pocketbooks. If we don't like it, we don't buy it. So, if you don't agree with her decisions- don't buy her book.

If Elizabeth Edwards thinks this is the right decision for her, and for her family- that's her business. She doesn't owe us anything. Now, what she owes her kids, herself, and her husband is a different story. But it is also not our business to decide that for her. This is a woman's right to choose- to choose how to address adultery, how to address her cancer, and how to best be a mother to her kids. I don't know how honest she is about her husband's reality- but I'm not going to tell her she's lying. Love can survive mistakes, huge ones.... God bless E.E. and her family.

Chick Flicks and Jane Austen

2009-05-12T15:15:00.001-07:00

I was watching Becoming Jane again today- I don't usually watch too many chick flicks- they make me cry and the crying gives me a headache. I love this one though-it is distinguised by the lovers for whom practicality overrules emotion and who go on without one another through life... similarly I love the movie Proof of Life- where Meg Ryan's married character remains faithful (unlike the actress herself) although she has feelings for her leading man while her husband is missing and possibly dead. Other than one desperate kiss, she remains true to her husband and she and Russell Crowe's character go their separate ways.

There is no fairy tale ending for these characters. Perhaps that's what appeals to me about the beautiful tragedy of the stories. And yet, the characters are true to their natures. The characters cling to the qualities that made them fall in love with one another in the first place. Their love is never tainted with comprimise or the stresses of day to day married life. Their love is fixed in time, never changes, and (we assume) remains to each character a source of both joy and pain, bittersweet until the very end. They demonstrate the power of the human heart to love two people, to love truly over many years and miles, and to carry the love in the silence of their hearts.

I love the climaxes of these movies. What happens at the pivotal moment of decision? That's when the heroine says "Take care of yourself." and sends her lover off with a kiss on the cheek when her heart is screaming "I love you. Don't go." and she really wants to kiss him passionately and never let him go. Knowing he can't stay, she clings to practicality. Or perhaps it's fear of giving him the power to reject her again. Or is it that any resolution other than the current course would be so complicated and involve so many people... and she doesn't know if he even loves her the way she loves him? Does she fail? Does she fall? Frequently it's some type of misunderstanding or a lack of information that impedes the lovers. Jane Austen is great at portraying this. The difference in her novels is that her heroines usually see a resolution- a revelation of the truth that brings them back to their true loves. Real life doesn't always end so well. Actually, when I think about it, it's just the main characters that have the "fairy tale" ending- the secondary characters often suffer a more realistic fate in her books.

Email- Authentic Voice

2009-05-08T12:10:00.001-07:00

Do you ever wonder if your voice is accurate and authentic via email- when all the little clues in your expression, tone, and gestures are not there to confirm or undo someones underlying assumptions? It's difficult sometimes to know how you are being recieved- you can't see the response the other person has and sometimes it is days or weeks in coming- not the hours or minutes we sometimes grow accustomed to.

There are some things that are better said in person, when you have time to appreciate a smile, the twinkle in an eye, the look away.... all the endearing things that make conversation sweet!

There have been times when I've read an email and thought I understood- and then later I see it from a different perspective and I'm amazed at my misunderstanding. Some things get lost in translation even when you speak the language.

Inappropriate Language

2009-05-08T09:54:00.000-07:00

So when did it become okay to use the "f" word (meaning gay) as an insult???? Why do kids use it as a synonym for dumb, idiot, clutz, etc......? Am I wrong to be so bothered by this? It really irritates me. Perhaps part of it is that I would deeply resent my son being called that name, regardless of his sexual orientation- either it would insult his sexuality if he isn't or it would make it seem like something you should make fun of if he was gay???? Either way it stinks. I had a mom once excuse her son's use of the word by saying that they were Christians and thought homosexuality was wrong. I was so upset by that- I had to explain to her that her son used the word to hurt a smaller, younger kid who had accidently triped over something.... and that even if you are against homosexuality that's not an okay way to act. I'm 99.9 % sure this is not something Jesus would do.

One comfort I have is the realization that Jesus went about looking for people to help and heal- he never went around trying to find someone to condemn or destroy... his focus was always healing, repentance, reconciliation.... what a beautiful thing. Thank you Jesus!

Love and Happiness

2009-05-07T08:52:00.001-07:00

I am so happy today- I don't know why I feel so up, but I know that I have great thoughts running through my head. I have wonderful friends that brighten my day, a great family who loves me.... good food and a nice bed, a roof that doesn't leak too much- I think I'm channelling Travis Tritt in "It's a great day to be alive".

I wish everyone a happy day- I will still struggle with my demons, but they are always there- I might as well enjoy the ride. :) That's part of embracing the moment- acceptance of what IS and not thinking on yesterday or tomorrow. Animals seem to do it so easily- they live in the now. Why is it so hard for us??

My students were making my laugh today- maybe that's part of the magic- they are all hyped up about Spring- ready for the year to be over. I'm laughing so I won't yell- I'd feel the same way if I was 14..... but I'm keeping them in line, herding them carefully to the end of the year. I hope I'm like the shepherd, going after the one lost sheep (or the 60).

Yes, YOU CAN

2009-05-04T14:30:00.001-07:00

Okay, Obama slogan aside- this is something everyone can get on board with. I'm dealing with all kinds of stuff- finishing up the school year, organizing events, getting old business financial stuff out of the way... coping with having responsibilities for elder-care, my husband's feelings about not having a job (even when he loves being with the kids), having relatives around to comment on all aspects of life (because we live in a fishbowl), thinking about what's best for my kids in terms of education, etc... etc.. and so on.

Now I realize that none of this is tragic, but that doesn't change my sense of helplessness in some of the situations and in the fact that I can't make it GO AWAY. Sometimes I start to feel like it's all too much- and then God whispers "YES YOU CAN. With my help, you can.". Why is it so hard to turn to Him when life gets overwhelming. Sometimes it seems like the weaker we are, the more unworthy we feel, the farther away we move.... and we should really be moving closer and closer to him.

I've been through worse, but somedays I just need to lean back and let Him catch me when I fall.

Coincidence?????

2009-04-28T13:12:00.000-07:00

So my supervisor (F.L.) thought I was ready for a promotion- she suggested that I might consider a position as a site supervisor... overseeing other teachers as a type of peer mentor. WOW. I didn't expect anything like this yet- she praised my teaching up and down and mentioned how everyone who had observed me this year was very impressed. I have to say I was touched, flattered, and excited by the praise BUT I don't feel ready to leave the classroom yet.

Is it a coincidence that I just, for the first time, blogged about why I love teaching? All I had to do was go back and read my post on why I love teaching.... plus I would have half the summer that I currently do and with Grad School coming up I'm not ready to make that sacrifice. I hope something like this is still available when I am, but until then I'm content to keep on keepin on.

The WHOLE Truth

2009-04-27T13:33:00.000-07:00

There's a character counts sign in our school that says "The truth is always the right answer.". I am pondering it. Does that mean we have to be hurtful to someone if what we are saying is "true"? Does that mean sharing with our spouse every little thought or slight? I'm not about following the letter of the law to the expense of its spirit- but I have some situations in my life where I'm not at all sure the truth would be the most helpful, healing, or "right" answer.

There are times in life when we do the right thing, in spite of what we really feel- when we make the right choices even when our motives, emotions, and thoughts aren't with us on it. Does anyone really want to know if I am not feeling loving or generous today- isn't it enough that I treat my family and friends with love and generosity?

There are times when you think "I feel (fill in the blank)." The emotion may be something complex, or something that complicates your life. You may have to choose to share it, or not to share it. Is the truth only the right answer when someone asks the right question? I don't know... these questions are maybe above my pay grade. Someone once said "I am more sure of what is kind than what is true.". I'm not even sure about that- but I am sure that sometimes it is important to hold back and really think about the impact of our words. We can't control what we feel, but we can control how we address it. I'm not sure that telling the truth of our feelings IS always the right answer.

Stuck Here in the Middle

2009-04-26T15:23:00.000-07:00

I realize that I don't write much about my experiences in the classroom. They make up the majority of my life- other than times with my family. I feel very at home when I'm at work- in my element so to speak. I think that working with 8th graders helps my sense of humor and my wit- and it definitely hones your BS'o'meter. Why do I love it so???

Well, I often joke that I share a sense of humor with the kids. I am not sure what that says about my development, but I find them hilarious and I enjoy them tremendously. I often get them to do things just for my own amusement. For example, I taught them "Put your hands up" in Spanish. They all put their hands up in the air and yell back "I didn't do anything." in Spanish. As I type I'm thinking that it's not very pc, perhaps- but it's hilarious and the kids love it. It makes my day.

I enjoy the fact that they still like to play more than they care about being cool. I like it when their enthusiasm for a new lesson gets them into a conversation and they forget I'm even there- but they are still on task. I love when they have an off-task conversation in the back of the room and think I either a) won't hear or b) won't know what they are talking about... they don't realize that I LOVED bad boys when I was their age. And hey, do they think they invented these bad words???? Anyway, they try to pull the same ole tricks as the year before and that's funny to me.

I love teaching French and Spanish in particular- I love the languages and I enjoy sharing them. There's a lot of fun to be had with foreign language and I try to remind them of those "fun" moments at every turn.

I love the look on my Redneck student's faces when they find out I got a 22 for my 11th birthday- and that I still have it (and know how to use it). (Or when they find out I like to fish.)

Anyway, the kids are a fun part of my life and it's a great reward to me to be allowed to touch so many of their lives.

Expatriate Experiences

2009-04-22T08:37:00.000-07:00

I was watching TV last night while I did my workout and saw an ad for the Michigan tourist bureau. They mentioned in the ad that "it is when you are away from everyone who knows you and everything you know that you are most yourself". That really struck me as true. In 1991-92 I was able to spend several months studying in Strasbourg France. What a wonderful city full of art, music, and great food!! I had an apartment and took most of my classes at the regular university. I had a great group of friends. It was a wonderful, eye-opening, and life-changing experience.

I almost didn't go to France, I owe the fact that I went to my vision of who I wanted to be and also to my family and boyfriend's unassailable logic that he wouldn't be in Maryland anyway. As a result of going I would have to spend an extra semester in school to complete my student teaching... but I went....I felt ill at ease for a bit at the beginning. I was lucky not to have difficulties communicating, but I did feel like a fish out of water- rudderless, weightless in a sense. I had weird dreams and I felt very fearful at times. Slowly, I began to know myself differently. I was encountering some things- people, food, ideas - for the first time. Being so far from home and family was making it easier to take these things as they came, turn them over in my mind, and decide how I felt about them without outside influence. I developed a new confindence in myself- in my ability to handle things on my own and to rely on myself. I was really thankful to my boyfriend, professors, friends, and family for pushing me to go.

OF course the food was phenomenal. During my time in France my view of food and fitness changed and became more moderate. You almost CAN'T eat in France without learning to appreciate food and the process of making and eating it with loved ones and friends. I have enjoyed food 100% more since France than I ever did before. I'm much more forgiving of myself in terms of physical perfection and I don't diet the same way- I'm not as rigid as I once was. , I learned to love my country differently- from afar, and to understand the feeling of being the one who was different. I learned to speak French very, very well and to understand and love what is best in French culture. It is a life easy to love on a day to day basis. I took classes in German, History, Religion, French language, Philosophy, and Political Science.

I had some hard days while I was there. I'm one of those people who thinks a lot (perhaps too much) and I didn't realize at the time that I probably needed some chemical intervention to help with my migraines/stress/depression. It would be another year or so before I would meet that obstacle- I was up and down emotionally. People kept telling me not to wish my time away while I was there- there was this French guy, Marc.....we hung out all the time- going to bars etc... we were always in a big group of guys and girls. It wasn't like we spent any time ALONE. I didn't realize for MONTHS that he liked me in a romantic way. (This has happened to me more than once. I must be blind.) and then at Christmas I got the most romantic love letter and gifts from him. I rebuffed him, of course- I was dating someone else- but it is a love letter I still cherish. Every woman should have a romantic love letter in a beautiful foreign language.. I think the thing that touched me most in his letter was when he said he thought I was a woman who needed a lot of "tendresse". I wasn't aware that was so apparent to anyone and it seemed to me a truth I hadn't spoken to myself.

Coming home was hard. I found myself changed in many ways. I was aware of some of them before I landed back stateside- other changes snuck up on me. My sense of style was all messed up- I didn't know what was in or out or what I wanted to wear.... I had to develop that again from the ground up. I would say that I had changed, but I think what really happened was that I became more authentically myself. I definitely grew. I had to jump back into my school work in a new atmosphere- finishing Senior year and moving on to a career. I am so very glad I went. I hope someday my children get to have the experience of living overseas.

Friendship

2009-04-18T10:14:00.000-07:00

There are so many types of friendship in my life. I started thinking about the great gift that we are to one another and I couldn't help but make note of it here:

My sister-in-law and best friend, my sister in every way but blood .... Heather... can't imagine how I would have survived the last 15 years without her. What can I say about a person who understands me, to whom I can confess anything without fear of judgement, and with whom I can laugh or cry about the same things over and over. We stand back to back. She is a great gift from God!

I can't believe how lucky I am to have experienced so much love. (This is kind of a sequel to the money post yesterday) My husband is such a friend to me that after our discussion the other day about money he came back with some reflections on how and why we deal with things the way we do. These reflections were like a balm to my soul. Basically he suggested that we both feel despair when we feel helpless to deal with something. I feel that way about money because I didn't grow up with examples of solving those types of problems as a couple. He suggested to me that by talking it through the situation and deciding on a course of action we empower ourselves and thus give ourselves hope, especially since we are not my parents and he is not like my dad. I love the fact that his friendship with me allows him to look beyond whatever is annoying and find the insights that help me be a better person. I've lost count of the times he has done this for me and yet it always surprises me. When we first met we were both dating other people and it was a good while before I saw him as anything other than a friend. After I was single, it was the fact he loved me so much and nurtured me emotionally that eventually broke through my blindness (that and Cyndi suggested we should go out). I have been able to return the favor in spades- holding his world together for him when everything else fell apart. I'm really good in a crisis, and it felt good to finally be able to repay some of the love he's shown me all these years.

My friends from college and high school who pop in and out of my fb page daily and love me, sustain me, and make me laugh! They are my sisters, too and the memory has grown sweeter through the years. I'm so blessed by them. There have been times when I would have a dream about one of them and call them out of the blue- to find they were having a rough time and needed a kind word, and vice-versa. We have a shared history and I hope we will walk beside one another through the rest of our years.

Another old friend who popped in unexpectedly .... facebook is great for that. It is so cool to reconnect with someone of whom you have thought a great deal for more than a decade and to find out they are still funny and wonderful! I woke up about two am the other day and couldn't sleep. I tossed and turned for about an hour before I finally nodded off. During the sleep that followed, I had a very detailed dream of a conversation between us. It was very real. When I woke up at 6 am I was still dreaming and a bit disoriented. I went downstairs, made coffee, and I had two messages waiting on facebook and I wanted to yell at my friend "Stop thinking so loud, I can hear you from two states away!" It isn't the first time I've had a dream like that, and won't be the last I'm sure.

Well, my family is my family. The five of us Thurmans have a great bond, in spite of all the dysfunction. We are persistent, tenacious, loyal people... all of us. It was great to have my brothers move up here and to get to know them as adults. Alec still lives close by and I see him most weekends. I miss Kevin a lot, but we talk on the phone and keep in touch. We all "get" each other in the way that good siblings do. My parents are still together after all this time and I love them both. My dad drives me nuts sometimes, but I admire him for his work ethic, loyalty, and persistence.

It's nice to have bonds that seem to transcend time and space. I think it must only be a sign of something eternal, to share a bond like that with someone- and I'm glad to know it is possible to have that kind of friends. You can't always see over the next horizon but God seems to know what he's doing, so we have to trust him for the rest. I believe with all my heart that these relationships can be forever. They change, they evolve, and they endure.

Le cœur a ses raisons que la raison ne connaît point; on le sait en mille choses."

2009-04-17T15:29:00.000-07:00

This quote comes from the book, Pensées (Thoughts), written by Blaise Pascal, French mathematician, physicist and philosopher (1623 - 1662).

A slightly longer version of the quote is translated as follows: "The heart has its reasons, which reason does not know. We feel it in a thousand things."

Or in the original French: "Le cœur a ses raisons que la raison ne connaît point; on le sait en mille choses."

This has long been one of my favorite quotes- I remember Dr. Kantor teaching us the "Pensees" during my Sophomore year at Hood. It was an eye-opening experience. Certainly, we all feel this "in a thousand things"when we want to be logical and can't be... I don't have much more to say on that, or rather- I have too much to say and I don't know where to start.

Corinthians 12

2009-04-17T11:47:00.000-07:00

"Because of the surpassing greatness of the revelations, for this reason, to keep me from exalting myself, there was given me a thorn in the flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me--to keep me from exalting myself!
8Concerning this I implored the Lord three times that it might leave me.
9And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness " Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me.
10Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong. "

So this is a "boasting about your weaknesses" kind of day. I have one or two outstanding character flaws. (I'm sure I have more, but these are the ones that embarrass me most.) I get so sick of them myself that I'm not sure how my husband puts up with them. One is that I have the WORST time talking about money. It doesn't sound like that big of a deal, and I don't shop too much or anything like that... I just can't talk about it. I know I've improved over time... but it's like part of my heart is retarded.

From what I can understand of myself- it is the coming together of two childhood themes- first, as the oldest child of an alcholic I feel like I'm responsible for making EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT for the people around me- as if I could control the tides or the cost of fuel oil. The second is that my dad was really a jerk about money to my mom and they fought about it all the time. I don't think it was ever a CALM discussion. I'm simply scarred by it- everything was a crisis. Try combining those factors with closing down a business, relying on family members for support and some income, and having to deal with not being able to sell our house... GAG. It's like my own little purgatory. I'm beset on all sides with the necessity of discussing it and thinking about it. I think I need a little Xanax just to finish this blog (just kiddin'). It's hard too because this is such a difficult situation for me, and for my husband. He feels bad enough about his job situation without me drawing attention to the stress it causes me- and we have commitments to our kids and family that made it a better option for him to stay home with G'ma and Georgia this year... well, anyway- that's my confession for Friday afternoon. I lift up my weakness to the Lord and ask him to give me the power to deal with the things in my life- and to be my strength. The other character flaws..... well, I'll save that for another day... but I sure hope the things I am going through have some spiritual benefit, either for myself or someone else. I would hate to think it was all for naught.

Girl: Interrupted

2009-04-14T08:43:00.000-07:00

Well, I had anticipated this day would come. Here it is. We have had to postpone our trip to Honduras indefinitely. I am sad, but at peace with this reality. The house situation is not resolved, and we can only live for so long with our hearts and minds in two places- so we will put these plans on hold. I am accepted into Hood's MS program for Instruction and Curriculum. I will begin there in the Fall. (All things old are new again,eh?)

Deep breath. I am more at peace with this decision made. We released our funds into the general fund at the Finca, which will help them at this difficult economic time. In addition, I am going to organize a vacation to Honduras in the next year so that we can visit for a few weeks even if we can't be there as volunteers for now.

This Spring has been a strange time for me- I have reconnected with some very special people from my past. In the process it has made me remember things about myself that I had forgotten. Perhaps it is also that I am getting closer to 40 now that makes me think... and I hope and pray to have enough time to live ALL my dreams.

My Grandma Adcock is 86 and still goes to the gym 3 times a week. She is playing water volleyball every Monday and would be willing to have a boyfriend (she jokes that he has to be able to climb up her fire escape to qualify). She had a wonderful, long marriage to my grandfather, several careers (Navy, Music Teacher, Girl Scout) that she loved, children who respect and love her (grand and great-grandchildren, too). I want to be her when I grow up!!! We all say that, of course. My cousin, Alan, dubbed her our source of "cool" and I could not agree more. If I can be like her, I will live all my dreams (and since I will probably outlive my wonderful husband, maybe even a boyfriend (can I request a Cary Grant look-alike?) who can still climb up the fire escape at a certain age....). I want to live every moment of my life, up until the last- taking advantage of every blessing and gift, and giving back to those around me with open heart and open arms.

Well, back to the couch to nurse my migraine a bit. It is easing up and I'm almost at 100%. God bless!

True Love

2009-03-18T16:48:00.000-07:00

Everyone should know true love- the one where someone breathes easier when you are in the room- but their heart beats faster when you draw near. A love where you come first for someone, and they come first for you. Everyone should know an easy love- a love that doesn't have to struggle to exist, a love that springs from who you are down to the very core. Jesus loved us this way- perfectly. Human love is a mere imitation at its best, but that is still pretty darn wonderful.

Lent

2009-03-16T14:50:00.001-07:00

Superficially- I have to be thankful for Lent because I have been losing weight during our Lenten fast. Shocker- eat less and lose weight!

Teaching Sunday School is an interesting experience because I learn so much from the kids. I was teaching them about the miracle of Resurrection on Sunday- and of having a Savior. Sometimes you have to teach something to see it again as though you were seeing it the first time. I have to say the miracle of it all has struck me anew and I will have to get out my dvd of The Passion of The Christ sometime before Easter.

Drew will take his first communion soon. I hope I can convey to him how special and wonderful it is to share in the Body of Christ. I love to watch the people in our congregation as they come forward- all different ages and colors... piercings and wheelchairs... every type you can imagine. They are all called by Christ, won with his sacrifice- what a beautiful thing.

This year Lent is about struggle for me. Wondering why, why, why.... doesn't seem to get me anywhere and so I try to accept my present condition. The journey I am taking in my heart leads me back to old stories and back again to the present. I am struggling with my own sin- my own failings. It's embarrassing and humbling. (Maybe not enough so.) The peace I find is knowing that Christ walks beside me every step of my journey and that His mercy is boundless.

We have our hope set high- I pray to overcome the weakness inside, to have patience as His plan unfolds, and to have the strength to show His love to all. The team at the Finca is praying a Novena for us and feel free to join your prayers with theirs. While we wait I find inspiration and joy in my job. Duff is homeschooling, home-repairing, and elder-caring. We are very blessed.

January 22, 2009

2009-01-22T16:49:00.000-08:00

It's been a long time since I blogged. I've been working, taking care of the kids, etc... wrapping up parts of my last era and opening the new (slowly). Duff hasn't been able to find a job, we haven't been able to sell our house, and our plans for mission are still on hold.

We have spent a lot of time together, I've started working out again and getting back in shape, the kids are in school, and we are caring for Grandma- and we are farming chickens! I've been doing facebook a lot, so blogging has gone a bit by the wayside.

I was so very inspired by Obama's inauguration. There are many people who are against him because of his position on abortion or because they perceive him as very liberal. I don't like the idea that people use abortion as birth control or that they thoughtlessly take a life- but I also don't like the idea of micro-managing women's bodies, of criminalizing them when they are already in need of mercy, .... it's a complex issue. I'm glad I'm not a politician because I'd never get elected with my platform... Catholic Hippy. As I said in my last post- I don't want my faith to be about what I'm against... so here's what I'm for-

treating people right- right action is not based on someone's wrong action, it's based on someone being a human being and treating them as such

the p.o.p.- preferential option for the poor

self-control, self-respect, and self-sacrifice (this is a tough one- I'm still working on it)

being able to tell my students (all of them) that they can be President of the USA if they work hard

I am proud of Obama, proud of our country, and hopeful that we will learn from our current suffering, prayerful that Obama and his team will have the wisdom to do what's right. A quote from the movie First Knight- Sean Connery as King Arthur prays "May God grant us the wisdom to discover the right, the will to choose it, and the strength to make it endure."

Obamanos! Si, se puede! Lo hicimos!

On a completely different topic- I'm working out, eating about 1,500 -1,700 calories a day and I can't seem to lose any weight... any suggestions?

My Conversion Story

2008-10-17T11:36:00.000-07:00

I recently joined Facebook and a few people from "way back when" are wondering how I became Catholic. I thought I'd post the story here- and try to explain why I would ever do such a thing....

I have been a Christian since I was in 4th or 5th grade. I came to know Jesus through the Bible and the example of my mom. My grandparents were devout Christians and I'm sure their examples and prayers were part of that journey as well. In high school I attended confirmation class in the Presbyterian Church not far from my house in Peachtree City, GA. The Pastor, youth minister, and sunday school teachers there made a lasting impression on me. I learned the creed, the Our Father, and why I believed what I believed. I realized that my faith wasn't about being against things- abortion, evolution, other Christians- but that my faith was about being for something- loving others, having faith, perserverance in hard times, and a belief in the life in the world to come.

At the end of high school, I lost someone I loved. Part of the experience during that grief invovled some very mystical, but very real experiences of what I would call "the communion of saints". I was quite mixed up for a long time, and it was hard to process all the information coming at me. However, in the midst of a lot of pain and confusion, hard times and just deep grief- I had the blessing of knowing that we go on. I haven't ever shared this in a really public forum, but I will share one aspect of what happened...

The night of Jon's accident my friends and I were hanging out at Cathy's house. We got a call, but someone mistakenly told us that it was someone else who had died. We didn't hear anything and at some point decided to go to MacDonalds. As we were driving, we passed the site of the accident (I hadn't realized where it was.). At that moment I had the most compulsive feeling to jump out of the car. I started spontaneously crying. I looked up above this giant pine tree... I knew it was Jon who had died- and I knew he was there, and that he knew I was there too. This won't be compelling evidence for anyone else, but for me- it was. It feels strange and artificial to put all this down in print. However, it is true and in spite of everything that has happened since then, I have always known that someone will be waiting for me on the other side when I pass. The communion of saints extends beyond this life- those who are connected in Christ are connected mystically both within and without the world we see.... the Holy Spirit is not limited by the limits of OUR sight.

So, we jump ahead many years- I have known more love, and loss... my friend Genelle died in 1993- around the same time as my grandfather. I was back home in PTC and planned to see her when my friend Ellen came in and told me the news.( I remember her, and Jon, in my prayers every Sunday at Mass. ) I had by that time met my husband, Guthrie (aka Duff).

So, when Duff and I met he was a Taoist/Buddhist/believer in world of magic... a seeker. I found a soulmate in him. He has a depth and level of ability to reflect on himself and the world that is rare. I am regularly amazed and profoundly blessed by him. During the course of our marriage he came to know Christ- and as we began to search for a church we tried attending many different types of service. A friend became a minister and we went to his church- my cousin's husband's parents are ministers and we tried that,too... but Duff started reading about the history of the Catholic Church (his family is Irish and Italian- Catholic at least in name). We were in the midst of the priest scandals and that was a huge issue for us. We kept searching.

My business partner at the time, Catharine M. is a devout Catholic. Through our discussions my heart was opened- and I didn't forget that some of my best friends - Ellen, Cathy... were Catholic, too. Their examples spun around my mind. I read Mark Shea's book "An Evangelical Protestant Discovers the Catholic Tradition". I began to accept that, at a minimum, the Church was not the "Whore of Babylon" and that maybe after the reformation and counter-reformation some things had changed. (WOW, this is a long blog.)

In 2004 my family went through a huge tragedy. I won't go into it now, but it was a very, very difficult time for us. Pope JPII died that year, in April and I woke up early to watch the funeral. I had always criticized the Church's negligence to fulfill the "great commission". I was extremely touched, and impressed by his funeral. What struck me was that he had touched the world- billions of people- with his LIFE. I had already come to believe in transubstantiation and for me the funeral was the last step- I decided to become CAtholic.

In November of 2005 we renewed our vows, had the children baptised, and had our marriage blessed by The Church.

It took a year of RCIA for me to complete my journey into the Church. The longing to receive Christ in Holy Communion grew and grew. My joy and excitement at learning so many things about the history of Christianity- about the Church and it's adhereants... it was all an amazing journey. My heart was opened. I experienced Reconciliation and Christ's presence in new and astounding ways. I have been so blessed... and I came into the church at Easter of 2006.

So, now I seek to bring the best of what it means to be evangelical and protestant into the Church. I see many things that need change, I see many things that bless me, mostly I see Christ every Sunday at Mass. I am always grateful he is there, waiting. I don't understand why He loves us so. My great hope is that I will get to live the gospel in a RADICAL way! Please don't think I'm better than anyone else- I see my failings in great detail- day by day... but Christ has allowed me to be a part of his body and I hope I can do some good.

Fall... Freecycling...Faith...Flexitol

2008-08-16T04:38:00.000-07:00

We had expected to be in Honduras now. It has taken some time to get used to the idea that we would have to put this off. The house is still on the market, but almost rented. It looks like Duff has some job prospects on the horizon. The kids have both been enrolled in school (Georgia for the first time) and I'm prepping for my new year teaching Middle School.

Freecycling is my new favorite thing. I heart freecycling. I have a new elliptical machine and I have been using it daily. I haven't seen any change on the scale. I have IT band syndrome so I am following my brother's advice and stretching like crazy all the time to keep it under control. I am too cheap to go to the masseuse... so there ya go.

I missed mass for a few weeks and then went back last weekend. It was so wonderful. Jesus is always there waiting for us when we are ready to come home. My faith has really been challenged lately. I am watching and waiting to see God's plan for us unfold.

Finally, Flexitol. It is saving my nasty feet. I found another blogger who shares my love of this product. It was so awesome- I think her blog was insomnimom.... anyway, she's Catholic too and if you want a little chuckle you should check her blog out.

God's Time

2008-06-28T05:11:00.000-07:00

It became apparent to us about a month ago that God's plan and timing for our departure was not going to comply with our wishes. We went through some days of tears and bitterness and have now arrived at acceptance. I sit this morning in the glorious peace and sunshine of summer- in the way only a teacher can understand. God's plan is so much better than ours. I still don't understand the why of it... maybe I never will, but I have accepted it. The part of our family at the Finca has been wonderful and we will still become missionaries (we have faith) and work with them in Honduras. We hope that all who read this will support our mission. We now have longer to prepare and will be working diligently to make it happen. Please pray for us. Peace be with you.

Even before we call....

2008-05-08T19:15:00.001-07:00

"Even before they call, I will answer; while they are still speaking, I will hear". Isaiah 65:24

What great and amazing comfort, what joy to read these words- that he knows and answers even before we call. I am struggling as much as any Christian- to live out the hope I hold onto. I am trying to keep it all together on the inside, as well as on the outside. These years in the middle- caring for Grandma and for Georgia, being caretaker for several generations... and being cared for as well.... these years are challenging. They open up for me, as a women, doors of sacrifice and pain, of joy and deep satisfaction. So, even before I call God has heard my plea...

"Hold me Jesus, I'm shaking like a leaf. You have been King of my Glory, won't you be my prince of peace...."

Be Silent While I teach you Wisdom

2008-05-08T10:33:00.000-07:00

"I sinned and did wrong, yet he has not punished me accordingly. He delivered my soul from the pit, and I behold the light of life....... Lo, all these thigns God does, twice, or thrice for a man, Bringing back his soul from the pit to the light, in the land of the living...... "
Job Chapter 33; 23-33

What a comfort to me that God is not seeking justice through my pain. Christ has paid that debt for me. He has delivered me from the pit- and it seems to me that he knows it won't be the last time I mess up somehow. Yes, God- bring me back to the land of the living- let me walk in your light. The last line of the verse reads, " Be silent while I teach you wisdom".

Recently, some situations I face are so overwhelming and complex I don't know what to say or do. Perhaps that is the answer- to be silent while God teaches me wisdom.

As A Fire is Meant for Burning

2008-05-01T17:59:00.000-07:00

I found the lyrics to this hymn. It sums it all up for us.... perfectly.

As a fire is meant for burning
with a bright and warming flame,
so the church is meant for mission,
giving glory to God's name. Not to preach our creeds or customs,
but to build a bridge of care,
we join hands across the nations,
finding neighbors everywhere.

2. We are learners; we are teachers;
we are pilgrims on the way.
We are seekers; we are givers;
we are vessels made of clay.
By our gentle loving actions, we would show that Christ is light.
in a humble, listening spirit, we would live to God's delight.

3. As a green bud in the springtime is a sign of life renewed,
so may we be signs of oneness mid earth's peoples many hued.
As a rainbow lights the heavens when a storm is past and gone,
may our lives reflect the radiance of God's new and glorious dawn.

2008-04-30T15:05:00.000-07:00

Preparing to go away for 29 months is easier than I had thought. The logistics are hard, but we are so enthusiastic about what we will be doing that it makes the preparations easy, and takes away our fear. We are humbled to offer our hands to assist God- what can we possibly do to make a difference? Only God knows.... it is our great hope to be used by Him. Keep praying for us, that we might know and do God's will.

I am sure we will learn more from them than they will from us.

On My Playlist today:

Be Not Afraid

You shall cross the barren desert,
but you shall not die of thirst.
You shall wander far in safety,
though you do not know the way.

You shall speak your words in foreign lands,
and all will understand,
You shall see the face of God and live.

Be not afraid,
I go before you always,
Come follow Me,
and I shall give you rest.

If you pass through raging waters
in the sea, you shall not drown.
If you walk amidst the burning flames,
you shall not be harmed.

If you stand before the pow’r of hell
and death is at your side,
know that I am with you, through it all

Be not afraid,
I go before you always,
Come follow Me,
and I shall give you rest.

Blessed are your poor,
for the Kingdom shall be theirs.
Blest are you that weep and mourn,
for one day you shall laugh.

And if wicked men insult and hate you, all because of Me,
blessed, blessed are you!

Be not afraid,
I go before you always,
Come follow Me,
and I shall give you rest.

In Your Eyes

2008-04-28T16:59:00.000-07:00

My husband suggested some time ago that I listed to this song as if it were someone talking to God- a prayer. Now, when I hear this song, I can't help but think of Christ's presence when we take communion. It calls me back every Sunday- every day when I can. For me, my time in church is about a very deep encounter with Christ on a personal level. It can almost be a meditative state I enter into. Anyway, just read the lyrics like a prayer and see what you think.

It was (of course) recorded by Peter Gabriel and made famous (for my generation) by the movie Say Anything.

Love I get so lost, sometimes
days pass and this emptiness fills my heart
when I want to run away
I drive off in my car
but whichever way I go
I come back to the place you are

all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
I see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light
the heat I see in your eyes

love, I don't like to see so much pain
so much wasted and this moment keeps slipping away
I get so tired of working so hard for our survival
I look to the time with you to keep me awake and alive

and all my instincts, they return
and the grand facade, so soon will burn
without a noise, without my pride
I reach out from the inside

in your eyes
the light the heat
in your eyes
I am complete
in your eyes
I see the doorway to a thousand churches
in your eyes
the resolution of all the fruitless searches
in your eyes
I see the light and the heat
in your eyes
oh, I want to be that complete
I want to touch the light,
the heat I see in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes
in your eyes in your eyes

2008-04-26T06:33:00.000-07:00

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."

Mark Twain

Once thing I know, we would always regret not having gone to the Finca. We realized four years ago that our dreams of doing mission work could not be put off until retirement as we had once thought. Now is all we will ever have. We are not afraid of the paperwork or things we will have to adjust to once we get there because the process of waiting and working for all this time has given us a different perspective. It will be a great adventure! Whatever problems arise, we will face them together and with a sense of humor and patience. Pax vobiscum.

Service

2008-04-25T03:36:00.000-07:00

A Christian is not his own master, since all his time belongs to God. Time takes no holidays.

-- St Ignatius of Antioch

I had a moment of clarity last night. It made me laugh out loud. We have experienced obstacles along the path to our goal. Sometimes we have felt as if it made no sense- How could we be so clearly called, and still have so much in our way? Why would we pray to live in the third world, give up many things and leave our families and have that be difficult to achieve? Nothing worth having comes for free, and we often measure the worth of something by what it costs us in money, time, or effort. By that measure, our mission to the Finca is more valuable than gold. We will gain a great deal from this.

Gratitude

2008-04-24T08:26:00.000-07:00

For my students playing silent speedball
For my mom cleaning the gutters
For my daughter asleep in bed
For my husband 's warm embrace
For my son's hug at the end of a long day
For Grandma's smile when I bring her coffee
For my sister's love
For my father's generosity
For my brother's sense of humor (both of them)
For my redemption
For the FINCA!!!
For love

deo gratias

Something Beautiful

2008-04-23T08:26:00.000-07:00

"When you put your hand in the flowing stream, you touch the last that has gone before and the first of what is still to come." - Leonardo da Vinci

I am trying to find something beautiful every day in the changes that are occurring. Once this time of deep transition is over I will find so many things that have changed within- things I will be proud of. I will make something beautiful of what is to come. With God's blessing and grace this will all work to the good. I am tired now of waiting for dreams to come true! So, I pray for strength and courage for the journey and to love the feel of the flowing stream.

Forgiveness

2008-04-22T11:22:00.000-07:00

2 Corinthians 2

"If anyone has caused pain, he has caused it not to me, but in some measure to all of you. This punishment by the majority is enough for such a person, so that on the contrary you should forgive and encourage him instead, or else the preson may be overwhelmed by excessive pain. Therefore I urge you to reaffirm your love for him. "

I had to post again. I love this verse. What is sweeter than mercy? Sometimes the good things that the Lord brings out of your own sin are humility, mercy, and patience. Those are fruits of our faith in Christ. Jesus, I trust in you.

There will be trouble.

2008-04-22T03:30:00.000-07:00

The thing is, there WILL be trouble. Suffering is a given. God is not a Mr. Fixit who comes in and makes all things right for us. Sometimes we think that if we just do everything right, our lives will turn out alright. I'm not sure we are right about that..... but I am sure that God loves us, that He walks with us. Emmanuel- reveal your presence and light our hearts.

5 For in the day of trouble He will conceal me in His tabernacle;
In the secret place of His tent He will hide me;
He will lift me up on a rock.
6 And now my head will be lifted up above my enemies around me,
And I will offer in His tent sacrifices with shouts of joy;
I will sing, yes, I will sing praises to the LORD.
7 Hear, O LORD, when I cry with my voice,
And be gracious to me and answer me.
8 When You said, “Seek My face,” my heart said to You,
“Your face, O LORD, I shall seek.”
9 Do not hide Your face from me,
Do not turn Your servant away in anger;
You have been my help;
Do not abandon me nor forsake me,
O God of my salvation!

13 I would have despaired unless I had believed that I would see the goodness of the LORD
In the land of the living.
14 Wait for the LORD;
Be strong and let your heart take courage;
Yes, wait for the LORD.

Looking Forward

2008-04-21T01:09:00.000-07:00

Always look forward and never look back.

-- Bl. Junipero Serra

Junipero Serra was a Franciscan priest who founded nine missions in what is today the state of California. He was born in Spain and eventually became a well-respected professor. He gave up his comfortable life to become a missionary in 1749.

It is believed that Bl. Junipero voyaged more than 5,500 miles among the missions he founded along the California coast. In accord with his vow of poverty, and despite chronic pain in one leg, he always traveled on foot. He was passionately devoted to the care of the Indians, which often put him in conflict with the Spanish government. As a result of his commitment to evangelize rather than dominate, he baptized some 6,000 Indians, or about ten percent of the entire native population.

Bl. Junipero is the one man most responsible for bringing the Spanish culture and the Catholic faith 500 miles deep into the Californian frontier. He died peacefully in Carmel on August 28, 1784, and was beatified in 1988.

Blessed Junipero Serra, missionary of the Word, pray for us!

You will find rest

2008-04-19T04:05:00.000-07:00

I have been a fan of CCM for a long time. One of my current favorite songs is "Let it Fade" by Jeremy Camp. I thought I'd share a portion of the lyrics:

Have you been walking on a surface that's uncertain?

Have you helped yourself to everything that's empty?

You can't live this way too long.

There's more than this, more than this.

Have you been standing on your own feet too long?

Have you been looking for a place where you belong?

You can rest, you will find rest.

Let this old life crumble, let it fade.

Let this new life offered be your saving grace.

Let this old life crumble, let it fade, let it fade.

What great poetry. I think it fits so many life situations, we can all find ourselves in it.

Finca del Nino

2008-04-18T02:55:00.000-07:00

Recently someone asked me if I am worried about the logistics of moving to Central America. I have fleeting feelings of concern now and again.... but mostly I am content to go with the flow and trust God for what we need there. I get more worried about the obstacles that might keep us from going "on time". I am ashamed to admit I have this plan in my head and I expect God to make it happen- instead of waiting for his plan to unfurl.

I want to be a part of His plan and I can only pray that my heart's desires are in line with what He has in store for us.

There are a bunch of kids and other volunteers down there who might make use of our talents and time. We are willing to go there and stand in the gap in whatever way God sees fit. It isn't about who we are, imperfect humans- but rather about who HE is and how is strength is perfected in our weakness.

When Vincent Pescatore (founder of the Finca) was 35, younger than I am now- he died tragically. He had done so much by then, so much to help others. I hope that in going to the Finca we can help others and that God will continue to teach us about ourselves and how to be better people. Life is short and we will never regret responding to the "urgency of now" and going to try to do some good for others.

So, we are Finca bound!

Good Day

2008-04-17T07:27:00.000-07:00

We went for our physicals on Tuesday and Wednesday- got most of the shots, etc.... taken care of. Yesterday we had a meeting with our former Parish Priest who is trying to help us get ready to go. He is going to put us in contact with some potentially helpful people. We are going to Guatemala this summer for sure- already have tentative reservations. We need to start fundraising asap!

I have to hold on to Christ- to his faithfulness. Whatever occurs I am hoping to have the courage to walk this last mile in faith- reaching and growing "beyond my wants, beyond my fears... from death into life".

Through the LORD'S mercies we are not consumed, because His compassions fail not. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. Lamentations 3:22-23 NKJ

"Therefore know that the LORD your God, He is God, the faithful God who keeps covenant and mercy for a thousand generations with those who love Him and keep His commandments.” Deuteronomy 7:9 NKJ

2008-04-16T04:04:00.000-07:00

The Lord sends us tribulation and infirmities to give us the means of paying the immense debts we have contracted with Him. Those who have good sense receive them joyfully, for they think more of the good which they derive from them than of the pain they experience on account of them.

-St. Vincent Ferrer

I think that's really hard to do. I see people suffering when their loved ones are hurt or dying, when all seems lost to them materially, and when they are depressed or in despair. I think it is a great difficulty to receive suffering joyfully. I think that those people who have a simple faith have an easier time accepting their suffering joyfully. I think it is also very difficult to cope with suffering when you feel like it is by your own hand. Jesus forgives us but can we forgive ourselves. That guilt stands between us and Him. We should let Him remove it- as he so wants to do.

Pan de Vida

2008-04-12T07:40:00.001-07:00

John 6: 60-69

Many of his disciples, when they heard it, said "This is a hard teaching, who can listen to it?" ....After this many of his disciples drew back and no longer went about with him. Jesus said to the twelve, "Do you also wish to go away?" Simon Peter answered him, "Lord, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life; and we have believed, and have come to know that you are the Holy One of God."

Before the excerpt above, Jesus was teaching them about communion, the Eucharist. How did I miss this verse before I became Catholic. If it is not real flesh and real blood, why didn't Jesus correct them? How often have I walked away from God because a teaching is "hard"? My prayer today, help me to stay- even when the teaching is hard.

God Bless the Broken Road.....

2008-04-11T02:34:00.000-07:00

The road to the Finca was a long, winding, and sometimes broken one.....Here is a brief summary:

In 1989 when I was 18 years old I worked at the YMCA for the summer. It was my first job working with children and it changed the course of my life. One of the girls who worked with me, I think her name was Marci, was going to be a missionary in India. I remember standing in the circle while she spoke to the kids about it and being so jealous. I wanted to do it too. I never thought that I could or would - in part because I didn't think that I would be able to find a man who would suit me who would also want to be a missionary.

When I met my husband in 1992 I knew pretty quickly that he was the one for me. We were married in 1994, but at that time we had a different life and spiritually we were not ready to be missionaries and it was something I had not thought of in years. Over time, our spirituality evolved and we began to seek ways to express our Christian faith through international service to others. Due to our commitments, we felt at the time that we would do this in retirement.

In 2004 ,our lives changed radically- we moved in with Grandma to care for her, Guthrie went back to school at Johns Hopkins, and we hatched a plan... a plan to become missionaries. This was encouraged by my conversion to the Church and a deepening of our faith and spiritual practice as a family. We began to research places where we could serve. We found the Farm of the Child. We have been researching, praying, and preparing for 3 years to apply to the Finca and we are so thrilled to have been invited to participate in the program.

I am looking forward to being used by God to stand in the gap for the children and people we meet, to experiencing the faith of people in a very different circumstance than my own, and to learning about their culture and language. It is with humility that I offer my time and talents to God to use according to His will.

Please pray for us as we embark upon this journey. It is not without obstacles.

2008-04-10T02:32:00.000-07:00

Everyone, past, present, and future will be judged. Now, then, is the time for mercy, while the time to come will be the time for justice only. For that reason, the present time is ours to repent, but the future time will be God's alone for judgement. While there is breath, there is hope.

-St. Thomas Aquinas

"Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."

I love these quotes. In particular, the second one rings very true to me. Have you ever had a day when you were just off your "a" game? I'm sure everyone has. There have been periods of time since I had kids when I felt like it was a "win" if I managed to get dressed by the time my husband got home from work, of if I was able to speak kindly to everyone in my life. Try to see past the surface, try to forgive, try not to think only of how something looks, or of how it impacts you.... try to see the suffering of others and have mercy on them. That is my goal today.

April 9, 2007- Will he give us a stone?

2008-04-09T18:58:00.000-07:00

Matthew 7:7 Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks receives; he who seeks finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened. Which of you, if his son asks for bread, will give him a stone? Or if he asks for a fish, will give him a snake? If you, then though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!

Can I claim this promise today? Can I trust in the Lord that whatever His answer is it will be the thing that heals us, saves us, and brings us closer to him? I am going to try to believe and to keep placing my heart in God's hands. I will try to rely on him.

God is asking us to step out on faith. He wants us to leap- to prepare, to tell people about our mission, and to boldly proclaim that we are going..... without being able to rely on anyone except Him and His mercy and grace. It is hard. It is a daily battle. It is a minute to minute battle.

Psalm 27

2008-04-07T11:54:00.000-07:00

Today I am hanging on by a thread. Most days I hang on by a thread. Today my thread is the 27th Psalm. : The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom do I fear? .... Hear my voice ,Lord, when I call; have mercy on me and answer me. "Come" says my heart, "seek God's face";your face, Lord, do I seek.... Lord, show me your way; lead me on a level path ....

It is so easy to lose heart, to lose our faith, to give in to the darkness. We are trying to sell our house in the worst market anyone really remembers... we have to give this up to God, really let it go and let His will be done.

"Wait for the Lord, take courage; be stouthearted, wait for the Lord!"

If you haven't read it yet, 90 Minutes in Heaven by Don Piper is a great book to read for inspiration in hard times.

April 4, 2008

2008-04-04T04:53:00.000-07:00

But you want to live a life of piety, a life above the common, and enjoy the special favor of the divine Master? You will have more to do. You advance in dignity, advance also in virtue; your obligations are more numerous. The Savior, Who loves you more and gives you more graces, demands more of you.
-- St. Peter Julian Eymard

My first blog. My sister-in-law sent me a quote not too long ago. It said, "Whenever God closes a window, He opens a door. But it's hell in the hallway." I feel like I've been in the hallway for a long time. Now I'm standing at the door waiting for someone to hand me a key to a new beginning... what is God teaching us during this time? Maybe in a year I'll be able to say. Patience, sympathy, mercy, grace? They are all good answers. I'm a poor student!